Editor's note: I want to take a moment to introduce you to an incredible person I have met recently, Jessie May. Everyone of us faces challenges in life and what often times separates us from each other is how we deal with those situations. Each obstacle we face allows us to either grow and become a stronger person or forces us back down deeper in a hole. Jessie May has an incredible story to share and I know each of you will be impacted in a positive way by it just as I was. If you would like to respond to Jessie May, please send your emails here and we will ensure they are passed along.

Inner Strength by Jessie May

When I was young I excelled at anything I put my mind to, going over and beyond what was expected of me because to do that was a challenge. I enjoyed having a battle of the wits with the text or expected assignment, between what was known and the unexplored. I’m sure you can all relate in one way or another, a passion that just brought out the best of you, the effort coming forth in such magnitude, causing a shock maybe even to yourself. My thirst for knowledge I fed while in school and out. I read books of all different types, and talked with anyone and everyone to gain different views and perspectives. I was a ‘geek’ so to say. My nose was always in a book, and when it wasn’t I was involved in one activity or another recreationally. I was a catch 22, book nerd/tom boy. If the boys could do it, I could do it better! If it meant to kick a soccer ball farther or throw a tighter spiral, Jessie was game!   I was the Irish lass with plenty of spirit, stubborn and the will of iron, watch out!!  I remember my determination and my will to become a real somebody in this world, to be a stimulating addition to society, to use my passion for the betterment of others.

I had made it a goal to get involved in the legal system to help and support the growth and support of foster homes, to try and make a difference so these children could learn to reach for the stars, to reach for their own potential. I myself was a foster child and I refused to follow the characteristics that were laid before me because of my ‘placing’. From a young age I had a deeper sense of what was right and what wasn’t, and for this reason I stepped out of the shadows and followed my dreams and thoughts. At only age 16 I was living on my own and working full time. All my necessities where taken care of with much pride, nothing was going to hold me back from achieving my ultimate goal. And then the car I was the passenger in, lost control and wrapped around a utility pole.

Everything changes in a split second. I was sixteen, two weeks shy of my seventeenth birthday and my path was changed forever. One of the hardest parts about it for me is I don’t even remember the actual ‘event’. I was hospitalized for one month in the Royal Columbian Hospital, British Columbia. I was originally on life support in ICU, after awakening I was transferred to the Maxi-Care Unit, then finally Pediatrics. The memories that I have after awaking from my coma are very sporadic, and there are many gaps and uncertainties. My injuries included having many facial lacerations, four fractured ribs, as well as my pelvis, ankle and skull. I had a brain hematoma that had luckily stopped bleeding before surgery was needed, and my most significant injury was a right temporal brain injury.

From the hospital records I have learned of what happened in the beginning stages of my recovery. The first several weeks my ability to communicate was weak and it took much time and patience to understand what it was I was saying, or what I was trying to say. I had very low energy level and was bedridden for the first two weeks. The emotions/words that I expressed ranged from mild to violent, the limitations and restrictions that I had and those that were enforced on me frustrated and irritated me to no ends. I could not understand why I was in 24 hour watch and needed a nurse to accompany me to the can. ‘Why are they doing this to me? I am fine.’ I felt so violated, without any power or control.

Near the end of my stay in the hospital I was trained how to walk again, although it was difficult because my equilibrium had been altered, and my balance was slightly off. So much anxiety and fear left the hospital with me, so much uncertainty and confusion. My frame of mind was reverted back several years, to that of a girl maybe 8-9. I was very childish and impatient. I needed 12-16 hours sleep each night. I would sleep through the entire period without awaking at all, even to use the washroom. Noises were a very temperamental thing for me depending on what I was trying to focus on, a TV show, a conversation, or even if I was just tired. I was so different then I used to be, I wasn’t the bubbly, happy teenager that thought the world was mine to conquer. I was a 17 year old girl afraid of whom she was, for everything was a new experience and I didn’t know how to gage my reaction to the next situation, would I yell and scream? Would I understand what was being said to me or would I just cry into the pillow for hours on end. What a fearful period of time the beginning of my recovery was!

For the first three years I was lost within myself. You see I think the hardest part for me, although I remember very little of the time just before and just after my accident, I remember who I was before. Due to my large need for sleep and my inability to grieve and let go of the person I used to be, I was more or less in a deep depression. I was so grateful for being alive, and tried to remind myself everyday that I could have had it a lot worse I could be dead, yet the fact remained that things were much harder for me now. My brain injury effected many areas of my life. The way I processed and comprehended things was a large barrier for me, one that over time I would learn to adapt and work around to the best of my ability. My memories of the peoples’ reaction to my appearance really wounded in deeper ways that I could express, I was so young but people would stare and make me self-conscious, even more so than I already was. Now that I look back I am cognitive that it was more looks of empathy and compassion, but at the time I felt like a freak on stage.

 I closed in around myself and started to tear myself apart; my psychological self was beaten and bruised. All my certainties and understandings were thrown up in the air and shaken around. I always second guessed myself, always afraid that I was making a stupid choice. I had very low self belief, they said I would always be dependant on someone else, and I believed it, I put their diagnosis to everything in my life. I cared too much of what others thought, rather than thinking what felt right for me. I was so lost within myself I didn’t even see the changes my own body was going through, how it was suffering in the same way from my neglect.

I was so down and out I thought that small pleasures in food would make me feel a bit better. Sweets, pastries, pasta with wonderfully creamy sauces and garlic bread, MacnCheese, chips, candies you name it, you know these things aren’t going to help you lose the weight but you have it in your mind one more wont make you worse off, but it does. You get into a habit of making excuses and reasons for ‘treating’ yourself, and the same habit for not exercising. Oh I will do it later, tomorrow, when I do go I’ll go extra hard, do twice as much, but it never happens.

Then one day a miracle came into my life, her name is Bailey-Dawn. She is a Pug/ Shi Tzu/Terrier. A little tiny puppy with so much spirit and unconditional love, she needed a mommy to take care of her. For the first few months of her coming home to me I did not know how to conduct myself, I had never had a puppy before or owned something that needed so much attention and care. Due to the length of time I slept I was unable to take her for her walks when she needed to go, and my house took the hit for that. How could I get mad at her for my own issues? It was my neglect that created the mess, not this tiny little new life. I named her for her coloring is a creamy brindle (Bailey) and Dawn for she was the beginning of a new day for me

There were many things that I had to change in my own environment for my pattern of thinking to change, the things that were enabling me to stay at the low point I was in. Many people don’t realize that small things added together can be quite the effective and powerful tool for the good OR for the bad. The biggest step to my progress was taking the reins of my life again, taking the control back, to put others thoughts and expressions on the back burner and to focus on my own. To become dependant on myself!  What did I want? Where did I want to go? What were my responsibilities? These were only a few of the questions I had for myself and honestly I didn’t know where to begin. What I did know was that where my life was at the moment, wasn’t working for me anymore or my Bailey-Dawn. I wasn’t proud of myself, or excited about what the next day would bring. I was living my life day to day with a lack of spirit, I felt like I was in a black hole without direction and falling. So much time had passed and what did I have to show for it? Things were going to change and they were going to change TODAY! 

I will tell you how hard it was to stay on track for the first SEVERAL months. I would be on track for 3 to 5 days and then I would hit a slump. I wouldn’t want to get up, I wanted to stay in bed and just sleep away the day. There were so many issues that weighed me down subconsciously and until I recognized and began to fix them, getting my dog trained or going and spending time at the gym was very hard, almost impossible!

During this time I was always reading material, books or online, checking for different diets, what was the most effective way to lose weight? What all had to be done? How much consistency? What would the results be after a few weeks, a few months? I replaced all the pops and sugary juices for water and lots of it! Sometimes to add a little flavor I would have herbal tea of some sort (no caffeine). I would usually eat lunch and dinner but what I read that it showed if you eat every 2-3 hours (small portions) your body will increase its metabolism and with all the water, it will filter through your body so much faster. So when I got up even if I wasn’t hungry I would eat an apple, or one package of oatmeal just to get my day started. I started to pay attention to what I was eating and how much of it. I ditched the pre-made foods, the boxed dinners and started to make everything from scratch. Fresh fruit I usually ate in the mornings and in the evening after dinner. Veggies would be the snacks in between meals, or as well sliced up and added to the meal. Chicken stir fry with green beans, broccoli, carrots, water chestnuts, onions, yum! I’ve always had a love for pasta but rather than eating it at night, I would eat it for lunch, with whole wheat noodles or yolk free noodles, with half a can of tuna (for the protein) right after the gym. PERFECT!! Amazing the way you can make things taste if you just try a little experimentation, I’ll bet you’d be surprised what you can come up with too. =)  

I will admit to focusing a lot of my energies on proving the doctors wrong, to mentally think up a situation where I would go back into specific peoples presence and show off, throw their ‘insults’ back in their face, and my god how out of nowhere I had an amazing little burst of energy! I will tell you, that is one of the things that added to and gave me the push I needed for the first while. Behind all the reasons it was to prove I was not what they thought or predicted, I was stronger and had more heart and spirit. I was a beautiful, compassionate young woman and I have a higher reason for being here! 

I started to push myself, mentally coaching myself to get up, get Bailey Dawn’s leash, take her out for just a few minutes just till she does her business, talk to her and teach her what certain words meant, play with her, enjoy the sun. I was a smoker and I thought to myself, how is this going to help me with my cardio, my weight loss or my independency? I had realized smoking cigarettes is just another form of dependency and I had had enough. It took a few weeks to mentally prepare myself and strengthen myself to end this habit. At the beginning I wouldn’t smoke in public, I was so aware of how other females (as well as males) looked outside at the mall on their break (I watched out the window of the gym) puffing away, reaching for their pack, butting one out. I thought, hey that’s you girl! Yuck!! It was disgusting! After reaching the place mentally where I felt I had the strength to stop and to stop for good, I quit cold turkey November 22, 2005. I went from being on the treadmill for 15 minutes, to 20, then 25, slowly working my way up to an hour, telling myself that I was going to change things and they were going to be for the better. Fast walking, then running, back and forth. Then I would hit the weights, sometimes legs, or arms and back, free weights too. Three sets of twelve reps. Way to go girl!

After a while I decided I wanted to try and switch things up a bit. I was always gagging and watching my body for progress, and there didn’t seem to be much change in after I had been doing the same routine for a few months. I had lived a very secluded life after my accident, sheltering myself indoors, and decided this was going to be another step for me. I started to run the River Valley, to be outside during the day. Running through the different trails and watching spring turn to summer. It was amazing the workout I could get from just doing that. There were hills and stairs to get a bit of resistance into it. I would start finding markers in my route, and engage my run/walk coaching. Slowly after time I was able to run for my whole route, 7-8km a day.  What amazing shape and tonnage I was able to achieve from creating my own running route. Wow! The body really is quite amazing!!

Over the course of 14 months I have lost 37 pounds and have been able to maintain a healthy body weight of 130. I am living independently again and I make the decisions and goals for myself, to succeed or to fail, and there is much of both. I have learned that ultimately there must be a balance in life, between success and failure. For the failures teach you to appreciate your successes for what they truly are, they aren’t just actions where you come out in lead; they are the growth of your inner spirit, and the inclination of your optimism and hope. Always be aware of your accomplishments, no matter how insignificant they may seem to you or to your life, they could make things so much different and better for someone else. Sharing what you know is my belief of why communication came into effect. Just because it doesn’t necessarily work for you, it might for someone else, and they in turn might share the important perspective or knowledge that you had overlooked, or hadn’t even thought of before to obtain whatever it was you were lacking. My entire being is now thriving on positive thoughts and progression, step by step and bump by bump; slowly I have found my path again. My mind is still strong as is my will for life, and I want to show others how very similar we all are in a general aspect. We all have the ability to be what we want to be, it’s just learning to unleash the inner strength that can make it happen for ourselves. Over the course of me regaining my life and taking control again, there are many things I have learned about life and my own individual life. Physical exercise is not only good for the body it is also good for the mind and spirit as well. It is another form of therapy that you don’t need to pay for! Since learning this by show of progress, physically and mentally, I know I will maintain an active healthy lifestyle for the rest of my life.

They gave my family not even 24 hours for me to live, and here I am today, living and loving life, 52 months later. The only person that can ever hold you down is yourself. If you let others thoughts/judgments affect your life, then who is really living your life? ‘The past: our cradle not our prison; There is danger as well as appeal in its glamour. The past is for inspiration not imitation, for continuation not repetition’ Israel Zangwill. There are many reasons for things being the way they are, but remember everything from the past is over, and only you carry it on with you. Learn from it and let it go. The world is beautiful and there are so many things to appreciate. Stop and smell the roses, enjoy the sunset on an evening walk, a long life is a healthy life (body, mind and spirit). Dreams aren’t the mythical thoughts of a child; anyone can make their dreams come true with enough patience, commitment and consistency.