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INTRO
Hello, my name is Brandi Burns and I'd like to invite
you into my world of personal discovery. The purpose of
this journal will be to document the journey of the
mind, body, and spirit. I may speak a bit of training,
but probably not in great detail because there isn’t
really much to it – you eat, you sleep, you workout -
pretty simple really. The true hardship comes in the
focus, determination, and dedication required executing
those physical needs on a consistent basis. This is more
a journey towards inner peace, and inner strength.
Statistics show that 1 in 5 people will suffer from some
kind of mental illness. It’s not a subject that is often
talked about, or openly acknowledged. I want to cross
that boundary because I think mental health in many
cases, is even more important then physical health.
After all, what good is a body without peace and
happiness? My goal here is to try and achieve a little
of both, a balanced state of well-being. I am about to
reveal many personal details of my life at a great risk.
Some may be afraid, some may be offended, and some may
relate and gain courage to help them also. Some may try
and use this as ammunition against my character. My hope
is that more will relate and gain inspiration or learn
something new or have some other kind of positive
experience with it.
THE CATALYST
Last
year, I had the 2nd nervous breakdown ever. I
cried everyday for 2 months straight. I was suicidal
for 3 months, the depression and anxiety lasted
approximately 6 months. It was so traumatic that 11
months later, I still suffer from bad dreams. It was
probably a bigger episode then the first breakdown I
had, due to unresolved past pain + new pain combined
into one instead of separate issues. My old issues were
never properly addressed even though I did seek
counseling back then. But therapists are like
husbands/wives it’s difficult to find the right one for
you. And while one can be good in one area, they may
lack in another, etc. I didn’t know that then, but I
learned. So this time I was desperate enough to do
everything I could, spending thousands of dollars, going
thru capital health, EAP, and independents to try and
‘fix’ the ‘problem’ once and for all.
THE DIAGNOSIS
One
of the most exciting days of my life was to put a name
to my suffering. When it was obvious I needed help the
first thing I did was write down a list of my symptoms
from physical to emotional and behavioral. I went into
my GP’s office with this list and a request to see a
psychiatrist. He booked me in, gave me some meds, and my
journey began. The psychiatrist did an oral and written
examination with the results being Generalized Anxiety
Disorder (GAD) and Attention Deficit/ Hyperactivity
disorder (AD/HD). Now I read in my search that these
things could be caused by a limbic system dysfunction
due from either head trauma or genetics so I requested a
CT scan. The test turned out negative, there was nothing
wrong with me. It was simply residual emotional trauma
from my childhood/youth that was triggered. The doctor
told me that it was possible to beat the disorder(s),
but my healing would occur thru therapy, rather then
medication.
WHAT IS IT LIKE?
Readings on these disorders:
http://www.helpguide.org/mental/generalized_anxiety_disorder.htm
http://www.nimh.nih.gov/publicat/adhd.cfm
TREATMENT
The
first thing was Behavioral therapy (DBT). This ran
simultaneous with a type of talk therapy involving
identifying triggers. It literally felt like brain
washing. The therapy was very difficult for me at first;
it was a type of re-programming of thoughts and actions.
I had such poor social/behavioral skills that needed to
be ‘re-parented’, for example I literally didn’t know
how to deal with my feelings, I would start yelling at
people for whatever they did instead of communicating
with “I felt this way when you said that” type thing. Of
course step 1 was to simply identify my feelings. People
don’t realize how hard that is. I had been taught (and
I’m sure many can relate) to use non-descriptive, vague
words such as: “stressed”, “hurt”, “upset”, and
“uncomfortable”. These words don’t describe or mean
anything at all. I literally had to pick apart each
individual emotion that was represented and deal with
them independently, which was hard when it’s all a blur
sometimes. With practice I have become quite good at it.
The
second step was to be able to identify and ask for needs
and wants. NO- I seriously didn’t know how to
communicate! I had to learn. The most frightening of
this was dealing with the rejection that would follow. I
needed a mentor, a kind of mother figure, to help guide
me and teach me. It was a humbling thing to ask for, I
begged and pleaded for people I held dear to my heart to
help me with cold refusals as a response. I realized I
needed to change my reality, meaning, my nucleus of
influences to portray a new, healthier, way of thinking.
I had to let go of any negative surroundings. I needed a
circle of people who could see my heart, my potential,
and be willing to help me. Soon I found some new people
who stepped up to the plate, I didn’t have to ask, and
they didn’t offer they just did it. I quickly entered
into bonds of friendship that were deeper and more
positive then anything I had ever imagined possible. Its
very possible they saved my life, as I was a mess.
BODYBUILDING
I
have been told all kinds of things about bodybuilding.
That I don’t have what it takes, that I shouldn’t even
consider competing, that I could never be good at it.
While its true that competing under these kinds of
circumstances is harder then average, people don’t fully
understand the benefits. Some people with disorders self
medicate with substances, I have always self medicated
with athletics. By definition my mind cannot stay
focused for long, but the high level of organization
necessary to do a show spills over into all aspects of
my life, and I seem to be able to function normally. The
downfall in the past has been the high stress levels
over finances and results. So this year will be
dedicated towards learning new coping skills in dealing
with the anxiety, while also learning to harvest the
positive aspects more fully. The most basic rule of
therapy is if you have an issue you must expose yourself
to it in order to get over it. I can’t isolate myself
from the world to try and avoid stress- that’s retarded.
I’m a confrontational person by nature, its just my
instinct to fight. So… let’s bring it on!
If
you have any questions or comments feel free to contact
me via my website
http://www.brandiburns.net.
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